'Brooke Gets The Better Of Me' - James' Blog Post

Imported from his blog...we've got no response to this (currently, maybe ever...) now we have to run on over and finish our post for the night, it's the rule tonight...before Twitter OR wine...we have to do our post! *runs really fast*

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Tonight (Monday 12th September) has been a wonderful night chatting to Franky and one that I will write about tomorrow (time permitting) but this post concerns Sunday night and a night I do the unthinkable, I cave with Brooke and let them down.

As has been the case over the last few nights the chat has been strained and not the happiest of times. They got some (more) bad news about their house and it upset them and they become very worried about how it was going to effect their (our) future plans.

As the evening went on the tension between us grew and we were both snipping at each other. They said they were going to have an early night which to be honest suited me fine, I needed to get up early and I was, for the first time, feeling that the negativity aimed at me was getting a little much. But then a switch and they no longer want to go to bed. I made a comment about they should go to bed (may have been to tell them to do their teeth, a little ritual we have when Skyping) and they snapped at me and rather childishly perhaps I said "well I'm going to have an early night anyway". I don't recall why it was bothering me so much tonight, I don't think there was anything specific, I think it had just been such an upsetting week that it just got more than I could handle without saying something and I didn't want to do that. Unfortunately I couldn't keep the look of sadness off my face and this didn't help none; we both (all) often feed off each other's emotions and we bring each other down.
Some more snipping ensues and with a rather snotty "going to bed, night" I go. I end the call, something I never do (the only other time I've ended the call, they asked me too as they didn't want to).

I instantly regret it. I sit and stare at the monitor and notice within minutes they sign out of GTalk so I couldn't call them back anyway. They were so vulnerable and upset and I left them.

At some point during the night I wake up and check their blog and tumblr to see if there's anything about it and sure enough, there was. And it was written by Brooke.

Their Tumblr post - Superpower

I don't know why I didn't suspect her. But that's even worse. I left them thinking it was someone other than Brooke, that it was a younger alter who was just upset, angry, confused and I left them. If I had known it was Brooke I may still have gone but that might have been justifiable. The fact it was (if not all, mostly) Brooke should make me feel better but it doesn't.

I don't normally call them in the morning but I did Monday. I wanted to make sure they were ok, to hear their voice and tell them I'm sorry and that I do love them and I want to be with them. I say to you all now, as I have done many times before, I love them and I want to be with them and nothing is going to make me feel differently or doubt it.
Brooke says in her post "that look on his face where I can tell he is questioning having a relationship with us" I may have looked upset and maybe angry but I never, ever question or have ever questioned, having a relationship with them.
I love them. I love them all. I love them for who they are and everything they are.
But tonight, despite their protests against the idea, I let them down.

The distance thing is a killer. In just so many ways. It effects how I deal with things, it effects how I take things, it effects my thoughts, opinions and feelings. But I'll be back with them very soon and it will be ... wonderful.

Brooke: I'm sure you're very pleased with yourself. Enjoy your moment. I still love you.

To Frank et al: I love you. I miss you. I'm so sorry for leaving you - and I mean both 3 weeks ago and last night. Please forgive me. I'll be back with you very soon. Stay strong for me my beautiful Angels. I love you.

[copied from the original location http://frank-from-the-outside.blogspot.com/ - he says he edited since we carried it over to here]

Some of the other stuff he's written about us

• 'I Meet Cassandra And It Doesn't Go Well'
  
• 'A Rough Night, Not The Good Kind'
• 'Who's Here Today'
• ''I Talk to Cassandra''
• ''Nine of Nine''
• ''Meet Catherine, Not Bethany''
• 'Today Was A Good Day'
• 'They Are One'
• 'They Are Nine'

• 'An Emotional Night For Us All' - James' Blog Post

Our Final Goodbye To Fuck Face... Unexpectedly.

We said goodbye, unexpectedly, to Fuck Face tonight…

We had plans to write about our day at work, which was unusually stressful (more to come about that tomorrow), but it looks like we are going to save it due to some unforeseen...something.

In an unusual turn of events…well…what can we say.

First, we had drinks with Fuck Face tonight, turns out it was our last drinks with him. We didn’t expect that. (Don't know who he is? The many stories of him are over there on the left hand side...if you care to know)

Over a glass of wine (several, at this point, for us, of course) and a Guinness (several, for him) he began telling us about his plans for the weekend, yard work, and such...things to do regarding his wife’s horses..and the infamous barn.

“You know, despite the fact all that we are going to do is dance at the grocery later, paint, write, drink wine, and spend the weekend on Twitter…we still live a more interesting life than you. When you’re on your deathbed ,working won’t be what you are thinking about” we snidely we say, we’ve had a couple wines at this point, “Hopefully you’ll be thinking about us”, mostly joking of course.

We were his first, and probably only, affair. We know that to be true, we also know, from previous conversation, it’s us, not just the fact that we were an attractive  female, that had led him astray. Once he had said, last week “There will never be another [The Other Girl].”, when we were discussing things about him seeking some education outside the city, away from his wife, for a couple of months…chiding him about infidelity. So we give him a hard time, about thinking about us on his death bed.

A shadow passes over his face. He is silent. He leans back in his chair. We can tell he has had a bit more to drink than he should. We’ve never seen him this candid looking. He reaches for our hand with a serious look on his face.

He pulls his hand back.

“I’m not going to spill the beans” he says, and starts to divert the conversation.

“The Beans” being something he referenced the first and second drinking “dates” ago (last week)…regarding our getting fired. We had tried to get him to tell us then, but to no avail.

“Take another drink of your beer” we say, nodding our head towards his beer. We know that with another drink he might tell us what he’s been referencing for the last couple drinking sessions. We want to know, we have no idea what his secret is.

He begins talking again, about something random…we don’t know what, and then all of a sudden he stops, leans in, looking seriously and blurts “I love you”. This look on his face, we’ve never seen it before. We know he’s telling the truth.

We…stare at him…our eyes well up…there are many things going on in our head. With tears spilling onto our cheeks we give him "the finger". 

“Fuck you, I hate you, you suck”, we say.

He spilled the beans. We are angry, confused, and sad...those are not the beans most of us are expecting.

“Fuck you and your timing” we say. 

More tears.

The next 20 minutes are him admitting how he’s felt about us from the very begging, even before our affair, and that the week we got fired how he felt, us not being there, going to our office for something and…just…being sad we were no longer there, (because we had gotten fired) which makes us understand how happy he was when he got fired.

Him saying how his marriage has improved since telling his wife about the affair, but he says he still wakes up in the morning and watches out tweets while we ride the bus to work. He reads our blog, he reads James blog. While he plays video games…our Twitter feed is there. He thinks about us always. Thinks about us and tries to erase the feelings, kill us, metaphorically, while he digs fence posts for his wife’s horses.

He loves us. Just as we always thought. Thank god we were not off base. But he agrees, as do we…there are four people involved now. He says he wouldn’t try anything, he doesn’t want to do that to his wife again.

He read our blog entry from last night, and he had hoped tonight’s drinks would be us “breaking up with him”…our final drinks,  as last night was our “goodbye” to Special Someone, now that James is coming into town to live with us.

We sit and talk…he says he wanted to come tonight and ask us to run off to Cuba, only half jokingly. We are stunned, laughing, and then crying, confused, but relieved that we had been right.

He tells us how James is good for us, and that he doesn’t want to hurt James (they actually met once). 

He tells us “In another life…” then he pauses…and talks about how it never would have really worked because of one of us (Bethany) and that he only wanted to deal with us as one, as Frank. We tell him that he’s dealt with all of us. He says he realizes that, and has noticed the differences in each of us, but still…

We cry, and cry…covering our mouth, alternating between laughing because he is trying to make us laugh, and crying because he tells us we are gorgeous, and amazing, and funny, and interesting…and that had he been single, almost the first day we had started working where he worked, he would have asked us out that day.

“Wow. I really hate our life”…just one of the things that come from our mouth, because sometimes the irony is far too painful, as we listen to him talk about the first time he laid eyes on us and called us “Wonder Woman” to our face…and how he says he had loved us from the beginning, and how the last week or so, after we got fired…was the worst days of employment he has ever had; how he hoped each time he had asked us for drinks since we had gotten fired he wished we had said no…and other things too much to write about, involving throwing rocks at our window…and…

We know he is telling the truth. Several of the men on Twitter, our followers, married ones who had had affairs before, who were reading the story as it unfolded, back in the day, told us “He loves you, he is confused”. 

They were right. Men know men, we guess; and clearly we do not. (but we do, they just have to be honest...and then we know we are right.)

We stood in the parking lot this evening, outside of our apartment, in front of his new motorcycle…he wouldn’t let us hug him goodbye…but we did anyway. 

We're talking, and crying a bit, and he is staring at us, with pain in his eyes, and finally he asked us, almost pleaded, that we just walk away…He was sad, we were sad. He was our friend, more than anyone can understand, if only because we have not written about the rest of the impact he had on us, and how he helped us, this year…with us. We will write about it someday...it's disturbing, and dark...and everything that Fantastic was to us in those days.

It’s bittersweet…it all is. This year has been…fucked up…we still haven’t written everything about our relationship with him…we will. We’re two years away in the writing of our life. When we get to that part, those days with Fantastic New Addition/The Jean/Fuck Face…the things we didn’t and couldn’t write about at the time, why he was so important…you’ll all understand more.

For now, we sob…because…well…life is never what you expect…people are…confusing. We had a shitty couple days at work…we’ve had a shitty couple of days in general, now, saying goodbye to friends is hard…and we haven’t even gotten to say the goodbyes to Girl Crush and Fabulous People (our female friends); they will be just as difficult, but in a different way.

For now, the rest of what we know about tonight, we are keeping within us. Rest assured, there was no betrayal of any kind. James is important, many of us love him…and as someone we truly love, we could never betray him, and his love…that’s not how we roll.

[Dear Fuck Face...as you knew we had to tell James...you also knew we had to write your final chapter...you know we will miss you...you know.]

Our Final Goodbye To Special Someone

Tonight we said goodbye to a friend, and a former lover, someone who we had been mentioned in two of our blog posts, and James in at least one of his.

Special Someone. While his identity must remain a 100% secret, we can tell you that he is one of our followers on Twitter, and he reads our blogs.  We met him on Twitter and had only said a few words to each other here and there, then one day while we were live tweeting a stalking of Fuck Face…he began DMing us a lot, and it progressed from sharing that he had many the same thoughts about people and society, to saying it would be fun to have us stalk him. We obliged, of course, because it was a fun thing to try…we only knew what he looked like vaguely from his avi, but we knew he was attractive; and then one day we figured out where he worked. He didn't know what we looked like exactly but when we passed him on the sidewalk the first time our stalking "hit the target", we both knew it was each other. We’ll always remember one of the first things he e-mailed to us after that, that of course we were "way out of [his[ league", but we knew we weren't. We had been talking to him for weeks, we’d gotten to know a lot about him, and we knew he was a kind, broken soul...and he also a hottie, he just couldn't admit it.

We met Special Someone in real life (though he’d been our follower for some time) about the exact same time we met James on Twitter (May of this year). Most of our time spent with Special Someone where fleeting moments in a special location after he was done with work, talking and kissing; a couple of make-out sessions in our office at work; a few walks; and a couple of evenings laying in the grass in a local park, talking about life, laughing and just being together. Only once did we ever share an evening with him, and wake up in his arms.

A couple of us where in love with him, and despite the fact we met him and James around the same time, and he knew all about James, James knew nothing about him until our State of the Union entry, written right before he was to arrive in our city in July to spend a month with us. James was upset, and we knew he had a right to be, even though we were not dating at that point; but at least we were honest with him. We only saw Special Someone for a short bit of time, once, while James was here (James actually mentioned him in a couple of his blog entries).

Tonight was only the second time we’ve seen Special Someone since right before we got fired from our job at the end of July. He is a beautiful man, who fell in love with us, and a couple of us with him; however due to many things in his life he was not able to have a relationship with us. Read that how you want. 

After about 20 minutes of talking in our usual spot, laughing sadly, him asking us about our plans, our big adventur; and after several long tearful hugs, because we had all come to the conclusion that this would be our last goodbye, he confirmed the feelings we suspected he had had for us, that he had made clear to us, without saying the words out loud, many times. As he pressed the elevator button, looking at us for the last time with his beautiful eyes…he told us that we had guessed right, about how he felt. With tears gently spilling over our cheeks, we told him we were sorry if any of us had hurt his feelings by making the decision(s) we did.

“I’m just glad we had time together” he said, the sad look in his eyes.

As he stepped into the elevator and turned back to us, we blew him a tearful kiss goodbye and waved.

"Take care of yourself” he said. We nodded our head...and he was gone.

We walked home, thinking about the times we had spent with him, when we met him, the giddiness some of us had felt, and all the other feelings in between we had shared about him, we cried and sipped our wine. 

The air has grown chilly in our city, so we wore different clothes than we usually would have – nothing like our summer dresses, but we know that's how he will remember some of us; and as we passed the fountain we played in several time this past summer, wine in one hand, Twitter in the other, we noticed the water had been drained…looking around the city, some of the trees are actually changing. Fall is upon us. Change is here.  James will be here on Tuesday, we will start a new life, all of us, finally...all of us...together...for the first time in our life.

We cried and lamented about the summer we had, about how far we have come, how far we have to go….this year had been something else, this year had been something else…and it’s not even over yet.

We’ll miss you, Special Someone. The poem that was started for you will be finished someday; the ending and tone will just be a little different, but the sentiment the same. We will never forget you, friend.

~Cassandra, Catherine, Emmie & Frank

'They Are Nine' - James' Blog Post

We got blocked on Twitter, so what better thing to do then import some of our lovely boyfriend blog posts, from the blog he writes about living/being in a relationship with us.

We're drunk...we probably shouldn't import (we probably shouldn't be drunk)...we cried when we read his latest post (What!? We fucking cry...some of us anyway...not all of us...some of us would rather cut you, then cry)...but not at this one, this one didn't make us cry...the other one, that will follow in a couple of days, yes, it made us cry.

Sometimes we hate us as much as other people do. Last night, when taking a "break", we stared in the mirror and told one of us "I hate you". Without knowing much about us, or our disorder, that probably makes less sense, though we know that people who are singular also experience the same self-hate...only one of us does.

Always remember, this blog is never about some fucking pity party, fuck that. It's about showing people what it's like to live with this particular disability...or "disability"; shedding light, creating awareness and acceptance...breaking down intolerance, no matter what the mental disability is...and in this day and age, there are so many. Sometimes it breaks our heart, and sometimes we realize that without the "help" of pharmaceutical companies, most people would be...just people...but we digress.

It's not fun (though sometimes, it is) and it's difficult, us being us. It was less so (difficult) when we were us, without an outside person; but now...he's worth it (to a lot of us); our "outside person" (our boyfriend), for the first time in our life, knows all of us...and is willing to accept us...even the ones who don't like him, and for those of us who love him...it means the world to us.

So, this is one of his latest posts, though not the latest (now that we look at all of his posts, at his blog...there has been many we apparently have decided not to import).

By the way, we did write our own post today...earlier tonight, but whatever.

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I previously wrote a post titled They Are One where I talk about how they are one, how I see them as one, how I love them one. They are "Franky". But in that post I talk about why after spending time with them I felt the need to try and work out which alters were executive. This post is to elaborate on that as I don't think I answered it (at all) very well and because some events recently have highlighted the fact they are nine.

It's been two weeks now since I left them at the airport. It feels like it's been months. It's been incredibly difficult being away from them but I have spent every day trying to sell my flat and raise the ticket money to get back to them, something I, we, are hoping happens very soon. We have been able to have video calls every day which has been wonderful; I really don't know what I would have done without it. I know people coped before and cope now without it but after all the hours before and the time we spent together I couldn't imagine a day without seeing their beautiful face.
I mention this because now, since I did get to know most of them individually, I recognise some of them when we Skype (I'm going to say "Skype" because it's easy and people know what I mean though we recently switched to GTalk Video). I haven't made as big a point in trying to work it out, just when they say or do something that makes it obvious. If I don't know who it is I have not been really trying to work it out; I have been trying to just see them as one again. Having said that, three of them I have recognised - Ivy, Frank and Brooke, though with Brooke the chat was instantly broken off.

Last night (Sunday 4th September) there was another instance of Brooke upsetting them. It started by my mood being very down. They picked up on it and asked what was wrong (as they are good at doing). It was so stupid, after spending the first week flapping about the flat not knowing when or how I was going to get back to them, fearing that it would be nearer 8-12 weeks I have found myself suddenly calm about it. I know I'll be back there soon, I am raising some money, they have offered to help with costs if I need it (I'm hoping to avoid that as their job may come to an end very shortly) and there is no reason at all to doubt it. Because of that, in my head I've put all my efforts and thoughts into finding temporary / casual work and selling my flat. Last night I had also been thinking about the book I'm reading and spent the day thinking about the phone calls I need to make to friends and family and how I need to find a way to see some of them to let them know. It was a culmination of all these things that had got me down. Oh yes, twitter, twitter and some of the people of twitter were seriously pissing me off last night too. This probably more than anything was responsible for my sullen mood. It had all got me down and had been such an emotional day I was drained. So when I was trying to explain all this too them I failed completely to convey what was going on and they thought I was trying to say that I was having doubts. Then Brooke goes in for the kill (bad choice of words) and tells them that that is indeed the case, that I don't want to be with them. They clamp their hands over their ears and are crying. I desperately tried to get them to focus on me but as you can probably imagine, me on Skype vs Brooke in their head with them, I was not going to win. It's hurts to watch and soon it gets too much for them and they ended the call (second time over the last few days). Then Brooke wouldn't let them answer when I tried to call back. It took me a couple of attempts to stop trying and let them try and deal with Brooke in their way, which they were able to do about 30-45 minutes later.

Now, after you've read that, see if you still need to ask me again why I sometimes struggle to see them as one.

What I have managed to (mostly) avoid doing is using names (I called one by their name on two occasions, one of which was last night whilst they were trying to deal with Brooke). I have pushed the boundary a couple of times with a look or stressing words to them and Ivy acknowledged that she knew I knew.
I wrote to them recently again, in private, an email where I said a little something to each of them in turn but on our video calls I've not felt such a need.

And that's maybe an important point. I haven't thought about it yet, I'll write it out and see...
Whilst I have had urges to use names it's not been something that is as big a "need" for me as it was the last few days I was with them. It's helped in part by the fact that for the past several days at least it seems to have been mostly one of two, maybe three. I am aware that there is a lot going on under the surface (behind the eyes maybe a better term) though and that can sometimes mask who it is. But this is about the use of names, there is also the issue of any need to work out who they are even if not to use a name. Again, as I mentioned earlier, I've not tried as hard to do that and with the two or three that have been present I've not had to try. However, just as I am aware it's been mostly one of three that I've been speaking to (I could be wrong of course, but three that it has been obvious to me with) I am aware there are at least 4 others that I haven't that I was expecting... no, more honestly, hoping I'd get to see too (it has only been two weeks though). It was partly because of that that I wrote to them, letting them all know I love them and miss them.

Back to the point of this post, that there are nine and my need to work it out. Guess what, same conclusion as last time, I've pretty much answered it as best I can indirectly with my points above.

Before I was making a huge conscious effort to work out who I was with at any given moment where-as now I'm not. Maybe that's because I'm here, 4000 miles away from them. Maybe it'll be something that I return to when I'm with them again.

No matter how I think about this, the why, it just comes down to one fact. I'm their boyfriend, I lived with them for a month, nearly 24/7 and I'll be living with them again soon, for considerably longer. Even if I didn't try I think I'd eventually learn to recognise specific sets of traits. That and the previously mentioned need to treat them differently.

Going back to the names thing, I am not convinced that they all approve or wish to be called by their name again. I may be mistaken, I only think this because they made a comment a few days ago, one I didn't ask about at the time. There is still the unanswered question / concern about the wisdom of this. The main concern was that it encourages them to want to spend time with me, at least spend time being executive and that's hard on them. When I was there before the last few days were hard because of the amount of switching, brought on by me, us all, wanting the chance to spend time before I had to go. When I go back it will be to start our lives together properly and we will then have all that time to be with each other.

There are nine of them (nine that are known at least). Sam is the only one that too my knowledge I've not spent any time with. Brooke, whilst not spent time with have "seen" and had some indirect interaction with.

There are nine of them. Whilst the rest of the world has no reason to know that, and even less reason to think of Franky as anything other than "Just Call Me Frank" (other than of course to acknowledge that they have DID) I am a part of their life in such a close, intimate way that I see the nine of them.

And from the moment I first learnt about Franky, I wouldn't want it any other way. Some might ask if I'd rather Brooke wasn't about but Brooke is a part of them, they are who they are because of her in some way. And we don't know enough about her yet; she may serve an important part of them. So no, I would not want anything to be different.

Personal comment:
Bethany, Cassandra, Catherine, Emmie, Frank, Ivy, Melody and Sam: You know I love you all. Unconditionally. And you know that if I could I would spend any amount of time with any of you and love that time together. This is so difficult sometimes but we have the rest of our lives together to figure it out. I miss you all so much. I'll be back soon. Stay strong for me and never, ever doubt how I feel about you or how much I want to be with you.

[copied from the original location http://frank-from-the-outside.blogspot.com/ - he says he edited since we carried it over to here]

Some of the other stuff he's written about us.r Stuff from James' Blog

• 'I Meet Cassandra And It Doesn't Go Well'
  
• 'A Rough Night, Not The Good Kind'
• 'Who's Here Today'
• 'I Talk to Cassandra'
• 'Nine of Nine'
• 'Meet Catherine, Not Bethany'
• 'Today Was A Good Day'
• 'They Are One'