What's in a name?

Prepare to be confused.

Confusion isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I remember vividly the first time I watched a David Lynch movie. Trying to unravel that particular puzzle noir was a complicated but ultimately rewarding experience.

But food and drink labelling is a different beast entirely.

Much hoo-hah has been made of the provenance of so-called British pork pies, with the Conservative party dedicating an entire viral campaign around the misleading labelling (pork from the continent assembled into pie form on these fair shores) of this particular snack.

These little culinary wolves in sheep’s clothing seem to be in other places too, hiding out waiting to pounce on the unwitting consumer at less than a moment’s notice. Even in wine bottles.

It was in such a state of blissful ignorance that we bought three bottles of Three Mills – one red, one white, one rose – from the supermarket.

At two quid a bottle it seemed silly not to take the chance. Having spent three years at university imbibing wine of dubious origin and questionable quality, it seemed logical to think that the contents would at least be drinkable. And if not then there was always the option of cooking with it.

What really swung it for us, though, was the proud wording on the label: British Wine. Six pounds to help the fledging wine industry of Great Britain? Well worth the money.

How wrong we were. On all counts.

The wine itself was undrinkable. Cloying. Sweet and with all the depth of a dried up puddle. It sat limply in the glass and at a mere 8% alcohol wasn’t even worth drinking with the sole purpose of getting merry.

To cook with it would be a crime against food. I shuddered at the prospect of ruining a glorious free range chicken or beef short rib by sluicing it with this vile concoction. It went some way to proving the maxim that one shouldn’t cook with wine one isn’t prepared to drink. In fact, it went all the way, proving beyond all reasonable doubt that if you wouldn’t put it in a glass, don’t put it in the pot.

But at least it was British. Right? Wrong. It transpired that we had been the victim of a cruel marketing sleight of hand.

British wine is a very different beast to English wine which is made with grapes actually grown in this country by people who actually know what they are doing and who actually take pride in what they do.

We had been fooled into buying three bottles made with imported grape juice somehow turned into something that resembled wine in the same way Frankenstein’s Monster resembled a fully functioning human being.

It had been made with the sort of contempt that a nefarious character from Grimms’ Fairy Tales might show an innocent stepchild standing in the way of a vast inheritance.

To call Three Mills ‘wine’ is questionable, at best. To call it ‘British’ is downright duplicitous. Even at two pounds a bottle we were left feeling conned, and without wine. Not a combination leading to satisfactory happiness.

For more on this visit english-wine.com And don't forget to follow me on Twitter. But only if you want to.

Honest Food Campaign

Like it or not, food is a political issue: Agri-business, food aid, farming subsidies, set-aside, fishing quotas, food miles, food labelling - the list is near endless.

There are a number of campaigners who work tirelessly for a great many causes: HFW and his Chicken Out Campaign, Jamie saving farmers’ bacon, Anthony Worrall Thompson and, well anything the mercenary squashed Bee Gee will get a pay-cheque for.

And now the Tories.

I received an email from none other than David Cameron, leader of the Conservative Party, this morning (can only assume I am on some sort of mailing list, he didn't email me personally - I'm not that powerful. Yet).

Yesterday they launched their Honest Food Campaign in order to raise awareness about the misleading and quite shoddy state of food labelling in this country.

In order to illustrate their point, they use the example of a 'British' pork pie made with meat from Dutch pigs. They even have a little viral video to go with it, see? Look, just here:



Whilst I applaud the sentiment, I can't help but think it smacks slightly of bandwagon jumping. This has been an issue for a number of years and countless chefs and food writers have been harping on about it for longer than I can remember. For Ramsay's sake: CATCH UP.

Also, there are some staggeringly good viral campaigns out there. I've been left open-mouthed in awe or laughing until I cry by some of the more successful ones.

This, on the other hand, is possibly the most cack-handed one I've seen for a long time. It appears to have been designed, written, directed and animated by a team of pygmy chimpanzees with special needs. The Internet is a wonderful tool but in the wrong hands it can go horribly wrong.

So, yes, good idea, poor execution and, sadly, another example of politics playing catch-up rather than leading the charge, which is really what government should be about.

Still, nice to know that even as the country's economy continues to melt quicker than an ice cream sundae next to a glassblower's lips, our political elite are thinking about pies. My confidence is restored.

Tweet me. Go on, you know you want to.