Wednesday, September 14, 2011

'An Emotional Night For Us All' - James' Blog Post

We're going to try to get to writing tonight; James just published a new blog over on his blog site (not this post, however), all about how we booked his tickets back on Monday, because *gulp* he's coming to live with us now...(someone should start praying for him, or, you know, sacrificing a goat or something)...and so we need to catch up to our "relationship" entries...something like that.

We had planned on doing a "State of the Union" after he left three weeks ago, like the one we did about him coming to visit, but we've been stressed with having to plan to move out of the city where we live, and figuring out how to sell our house, because of some very unforeseen circumstances, which we've written about (but currently, we don't feel like back linking, so check out the posts from the last week and a half, or so, to find out why we have to move, and what we plan to do after that). If life ever settled down then maybe we'd get a better glimpse of this "boredom" we hear people talk about so much...but probably not.

Having just gotten off the phone with our tenants, a screaming match was had, to be sure, we need to have some wine and sort ourselves out before we can even think about writing for tonight. Stress stress stress *mumbles to self*.

The following entry is imported from James' blog (link to his blog is at the bottom of the entry), also at the bottom of this entry you will find several other titles of entries, both ones written while he was here staying with us for a month, and since he has returned home. All of the links are internal, so don't be afraid to click them, they'll just take you to other pages within this site.
Friday 9th September 2011

This post is about a video chat I had with Frankie and a response to a Tumblr post they wrote about their day. I'm not linking to their post just yet as I want to write about the time we spent on GTalk Video first.

I had a friend over this evening and they were out drinking with one of theirs (the infamous [Fuck Face]) so our chat was later than normal. It started off very well, they (both Frank et al and the chat sessions) have been stressed recently but today seemed to be a good one, helped by the fact that I had a bottle of wine. We haven't drank together like this since our first ever chat.
But then, very suddenly, their mood changed whilst they were trying to write their blog post for the day. They looked upset, confused, almost angry. I asked them if they were ok, all too aware that this question, asked when they're upset, is often met with some hostility. They tell me they have had a hard day at work having to fight to maintain who was there at work in order for them to get the work done. As the chat goes on they are switching every few minutes. I've never seen them switch this quickly and so often before, I'm not sure who is there or how many are switching. They bounce from being close to tears to being almost happy in the blink of an eye but each time they are upset longer and happier for shorter periods until it seems as though the switching has stopped and they are desperately upset, confused, hurting and angry. They won't talk to me. They may have stopped switching but there is clearly a massive conflict going on in their head. At one point they say they have to go, they'll call me back later. The look on their face was of anger and dislike. So much I think that Brooke is there. There was no tears, no upset, no apologies, nothing but the desire to stop talking to me. In the past this has been to protect me from someone and / or from seeing them upset; I didn't get that impression tonight but I could be wrong, it could well have been just the inner fight that made it seem this way.

They call me back and they are upset. The rest of the chat consists of them writing a tumblr post and chatting to people on twitter. They still don't seem to want to talk to me but the fact they called me back and are comfortable with me just being there is comforting.
They say, as they always do, as we always do, that they want me there as soon as possible. They say they are going to book the flight the flight tonight but the prices have gone up and trying to adjust the days to get the price as low as possible is upsetting them and confusing them. I offer to do the looking and so I do. Then they say they want to leave it till Monday and I can't help but feel a little hurt by that but I understand, it's to much for them tonight. I carry on looking but don't tell them.
I have to say that whilst I say they don't seem to want to talk to me they do repeat that they just want me there with them and of course I want to be there with them too. I hate seeing them like this and not being able to comfort them. They don't always like me comforting them when they are upset but at least I can be there.

They are tired too and one of them wants to go to bed; eat pizza and go to bed but the others are saying to them that it's too early.

I am positive I know who I'm with now but I read their Tumblr post and it is signed by someone else. I'm confused and a little upset again. The person that signed it, Catherine, used to tell me she loves me but tonight she hasn't and in the Tumblr post says "I wish I could love him". I ask them about this but they get more upset and stay quiet.

They won't talk to me and so I break one of my own rules, I read their timeline as I know they're talking to people on twitter. Sometimes it's the only way I know what's going on is to look at their timeline. But there's a good reason I avoid this. And tonight's reminder of what that reason is kicked me the head, stabbed me in the heart and stamped on it. I get up, I leave the room, I take the advice form my counsellor and "release", in this case I air box for a few minutes. When I come back they ask where I have been and ask if they are upsetting me. I say no, it's not them. Maybe not a completely honest answer but a lot of it is my issues, I shouldn't get upset by what they say to others but when I'm here telling them I wish I could put my arms around them and they ignore me then tell someone on twitter they want to be in their arms... well excuse fucking me if I need to kick shit out of something.

But I read their Tumblr post again and one sentence that I read over and over again makes me feel better. I love them so much. I get upset and I allow silly things to hurt me but it's because I'm so far away and I miss them so much.

I've mentioned it too many times without so much as link so here is their Tumblr post for tonight, about tonight. You'll notice something about the sign off.

When we’re from the outside looking in, from the outside.
We’re doing too (to?) much switching, and not getting drunk enough to deal with it, no matter how much we drink; just repeated headaches, and crying, and making our boyfriend upset, in so many ways…logging off of video chat with him, and then logging back on…nobody wishes they were him, at least you shouldn’t; he probably wishes he wasn’t tonight, and he’s the bravest man we know. I wish I loved him, but many of us do, and that’s usually enough…it should be. He is very patient though.
Don’t know what switching means? Read our blogs. Don’t care to to do that? Then don’t, and it doesn’t matter…this Tumblr post is for us, and the people who know us, and do care…we’re sorry we’re not funny tonight, we know we never have to apologize…but sometimes we feel the need. Sometimes we’re a #sadclown…like in our recent painting.
It’s too a hard. This week is too hard, life is too hard.
We/I hope to sleep until Sunday…knowing us, and our inability to sleep (most of us don’t let me sleep as much as I sometimes want), we’ll get 8 whole hours…an unprecedented amount for us (we don’t get to nap unless we’re sick either); I’ll probably just want to lay in bed until we sleep again tomorrow night, but one of us won’t let that happen, if they’re in charge, and I hope they are…I don’t want to be here. Then again we have an appoitnment tomorrow, someone is viewing the house we are selling. I hope we remember…
Sometimes we hate us, as we’re sure others do.
If you’re confused, be unconfused…I’m in no mood to explain. Sorry.
I’ll be going to bed now…so, goodnight, lovely followers…we’ll try to do better tomorrow. Sweet dreams.
~Cassandra (part of Frank et al…for those of you who don’t know me, or the rest of us)
First, I want to reply:
Cassandra, I love you. I know you can't say it back but it's OK. I know you care so much about me, I know you miss me and you want me there with you. I know how much you do for me and for them and I love you for all of that. Nothing will ever make me stop loving you or make me not want to be with you. I have never had doubts about that and I don't now. I certainly don't wish I was someone else, only that I am me, James, your boyfriend, the man that loves you, you all, the man that won't leave you or stop loving you. Stay strong for me Cassandra. Please don't hate yourself. There are horrible people on twitter but what they think really doesn't matter. Many more people love you, all, very much.
To you all: I know how hard things can be for you sometimes, I know how much pain you are in and how much that upsets you, I know you can't always tell me what's going on, I know you don't always know. I know today was so hard for you and you were struggling to cope with it all.
Please don't feel bad for me getting upset. I know you just want me to be with you now, I do too baby, so much and I will be there very very soon. I love you all so much. You are wonderful, amazing and beautiful, to me, to others, for others, and for yourselves. Never doubt it, never let others tell you different (I know that's not an easy thing to do for you).

Back to the post - You see their Tumblr post is signed by Cassandra, they don't know why it was originally signed by Catherine. I have mixed emotions now, I'm happy that my thoughts of Catherine not loving any more may be laid to rest but feel so sad for Cassandra.
The night ended early, they took the laptop to bed and I read them stories till they fell asleep.

I try so hard to be happy for them, they need me to be for me and for them. It's so hard to sit here and see them so upset, in so much pain feeling so helpless. There are things about last night (at the time of writing it's Saturday 10th September) that still bug me. A lot of things I can dismiss, last night was just too personal, too much emotion. I'll get over it. I have to. They love me and I love them and really, what else matters?

[copied from the original location - he says he edited since we carried it over to here]

Some of the other stuff he's written about us

No comments:

Post a Comment